Should you see Deadpool? Finally a true American tells you what to do.
By Buck Stone
Everywhere I go, people give me high fives and punch me in the crotch. Why? Because I’ve got a golden set of balls on this here pickup truck. Them folks take a swing at my nether regions because they want to see if it’s true. Do I really have gold-plated testicles? I guess you’ll just have to land an upper cut when you see me and find out for yourself.
Lately, I’ve been noticing less punching, which concerned me at first. It turns out people wanted to see if my other biggest organ is gold-plated: my brain. And yes, it is.
People kept asking me:
“Is the new Deadpool movie any good?”
To them I replied:
“What the hell is Deadpool?”
When they were momentarily paralyzed with shock, I would use this brief moment to steal their purses and wallets. I would take their credit card information and transfer their money into bitcoin. With Venezuelan bitcoin account, their only option was to hide in the back of my 1993 white Ford Bronco, while I smuggled them into South America. Once there, I would leave a trail of hot pockets for them to follow. They would follow the trail and unknowingly enter Columbia.
Once in Columbia it is only a matter of minutes before they would transform into a full-fledged drug cartel leader. I would mentor them as they rose through the ranks of the vicious world of Narcos. Once they had ascended to the top, I would fly them to Iowa.
They would use their new found fortunes to sway to political caucuses in Iowa. If things did not go our way, those Iowa cornfields would run red with blood.
Things did go our way, but they made those cornfields run red with blood anyway.
When the farmers harvested their corn, it was all blood red. When they sold that corn to the movie theaters, the popcorn was blood red also.
Which brings me my answer. Is Deadpool any good? Truth is, I don’t know. I’ve been too busy sitting in movie theaters eating blood popcorn to pay attention to those things you call movies.
Buck Stone out.