The New Hampshire Primary Results are in… and Nobody Wins!

If you thought there would be a clear winner in the New Hampshire primaries, you were dead wrong. Everybody in the entire nation lost. I don’t mean that in the rhetorical sense, the way embittered politicians say that when their rival wins and they claim that “America loses.” I mean, quite literally, nobody won. 

Instead of voting, New Hampshire residents just spit on their ballots and screamed “Live Free or Die!”

After none of the 50 or so candidates running were able to secure a single vote, an old New Hampshire primary law kicked in. This law states that if there is no winner in the primary, random people from the population will be selected as back up candidates. That’s right. You’re grandmother and your infant sister were briefly on the ballot until another thick wad of saliva threw them out of the running. 

As the saliva ran, so did the list of candidates until all 300 plus million Americans were rejected.  The fear is that now random Canadians will be put on the ballot. If this happens, may God have mercy on our souls because a zombie apocalypse would be inevitable.