Eat the rich, they are delicious!

I have a modest proposal to find a life without pains and nightmares!

So I invaded Wall Street with a pitch fork and my double barrel shotgun!

What a lovely delight it tis to dine upon the flesh of Billionaires! 

Their rib cages smoked in a creamy BBQ sauce and their brains friend into wonton! 

Their liver mashed into pate, their bones ground and rolled into a tortilla!

Best of all are the pizza pies, topped with ears, noses and the leader of North Korea!

Come my friends, join me one and all! Join me at my new Pizzeria,

We’ll eat the rich until they are nothing more than our explosive diarrhea!

When the rich are gone, the street will echo with joy and children’s laughter,

No more famine, no more war, the world will live happily ever after!

Robo Financial Advisor Found Doing Virtual Cocaine in Digital Strip Club

Robo Financial Advisors appear to be the future of investing… or so we thought. Reports out of cyberspace found that a Robot Advisor, has seriously violated the ethical robot code of conduct. The Robo, known to many as GoldBergX69, was found to “invest” his time in doing virtual cocaine at digital strip clubs.

 

“Why he didn’t just go to a porn site like every other normal Robo Advisor is beyond our comprehension!” remarked a random man on the street.

A Venomous Political Sea Snake Washes Ashore

While making out with his surfboard, a local surfer on a Ventura County beach found that a Venomous Political Sea Snake washed ashore. 

Political climate experts are claiming that this is proof that political tides are changing and perhaps the global political climate is warming up.

However, skeptics claim that nobody gives a fuck.

Doomsday Seed Vault Opens up about Dark Past

Svalbard, Norway

The Svalbard Global Seed Vault is situated deep in the Arctic archipelago of Svalbard, Norway. It is notoriously known as the “Doomsday Seed Vault” that was designed to provide seeds in the case of a near apocalyptic scenario.

“The Vault was only supposed to be opened if we were nearing extinction and we needed some seeds and shit,” said Walter McDaniel, a top scientist from the Phoenix University School of Linguistics.

“Now that the Vault has opened up, it wants to start talking about some pretty messed up shit it did in the 60s.” McDaniel continued.

“At first we thought that it was just joking around. Then, when it described exactly where it buried all 18 bodies… we started to get real nervous.” McDaniel whimpered through his tears.

Sure enough police found 17 of those bodies right where the Vault claimed they would be. The 18^th is still missing. When police went to question the Vault, it was missing. Only a twisted letter with cut out magazine letters remained.

“Man, this Vault is a real dick.” Said the police chief in a press conference. “I hope we catch the son of a bitch and lock him away in a vault.”