Friday, February 12, 2016

Should you see Deadpool? Finally a true American tells you what to do.

Should you see Deadpool? Finally a true American tells you what to do.

By Buck Stone
Everywhere I go, people give me high fives and punch me in the crotch. Why? Because I’ve got a golden set of balls on this here pickup truck. Them folks take a swing at my nether regions because they want to see if it’s true. Do I really have gold-plated testicles? I guess you’ll just have to land an upper cut when you see me and find out for yourself.

Lately, I’ve been noticing less punching, which concerned me at first. It turns out people wanted to see if my other biggest organ is gold-plated: my brain. And yes, it is.
People kept asking me:
“Is the new Deadpool movie any good?”
To them I replied:
“What the hell is Deadpool?”
When they were momentarily paralyzed with shock, I would use this brief moment to steal their purses and wallets. I would take their credit card information and transfer their money into bitcoin. With Venezuelan bitcoin account, their only option was to hide in the back of my 1993 white Ford Bronco, while I smuggled them into South America.  Once there, I would leave a trail of hot pockets for them to follow. They would follow the trail and unknowingly enter Columbia.
Once in Columbia it is only a matter of minutes before they would transform into a full-fledged drug cartel leader.  I would mentor them as they rose through the ranks of the vicious world of Narcos. Once they had ascended to the top, I would fly them to Iowa.
They would use their new found fortunes to sway to political caucuses in Iowa. If things did not go our way, those Iowa cornfields would run red with blood.
Things did go our way, but they made those cornfields run red with blood anyway.

When the farmers harvested their corn, it was all blood red. When they sold that corn to the movie theaters, the popcorn was blood red also.
Which brings me my answer. Is Deadpool any good? Truth is, I don’t know. I’ve been too busy sitting in movie theaters eating blood popcorn to pay attention to those things you call movies.
Buck Stone out.

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

The New Hampshire Primary Results are in… and Nobody Wins!

If you thought there would be a clear winner in the New Hampshire primaries, you were dead wrong. Everybody in the entire nation lost. I don’t mean that in the rhetorical sense, the way embittered politicians say that when their rival wins and they claim that “America loses.” I mean, quite literally, nobody won. 

Instead of voting, New Hampshire residents just spit on their ballots and screamed “Live Free or Die!”
After none of the 50 or so candidates running were able to secure a single vote, an old New Hampshire primary law kicked in. This law states that if there is no winner in the primary, random people from the population will be selected as back up candidates. That’s right. You’re grandmother and your infant sister were briefly on the ballot until another thick wad of saliva threw them out of the running. 

As the saliva ran, so did the list of candidates until all 300 plus million Americans were rejected.  The fear is that now random Canadians will be put on the ballot. If this happens, may God have mercy on our souls because a zombie apocalypse would be inevitable.  

Thursday, November 26, 2015

Hipster Vampire Jesus Approved Black Friday Deals!

Hipster Vampire Jesus Approved Black Friday Deals!
A Guide to Black Friday Deals from the Miserly Messiah!
One of the things people always forget about me is that I’m an extreme cheapskate. I mean, I’m the kinda guy that would rather turn water into wine before I gave the local vintner a single shekel. So if you’re looking to get your beloved a diamond ring on a Jack In The Box salary, then look no further than your lord and savior!
Another thing that people forget about me is that I was the original vampire. I was buried alive and came back to life. Now I want everyone to drink my blood on Sundays. As the coolest skateboarding vampire this side of the Mississippi, I know all about the latest trends. So when you’re looking to be the hippest kid on the block, look no further than Count Bethlehem!
People always ask me: “Yo J Spot, where do you go on Black Friday?”
I respond “I go wherever the Holy Spirit takes me… which is usually Hot Topic…”
Item #1
Goth Makeup 70% off
Goth Makeup is super cool… in the 1980s! Get with the times losers! Emo is in! Still the Jew in me has to admit this is a pretty solid deal. I mean 70% off makeup that makes you look like you’re half dead, I wish me and my buddy Steve had that kind of deal when we were working on Schindler’s List.
Item # 2
Star Wars Pop! Funko Head 2% off when you buy 1,000
For the love of Dad, can somebody please tell me why the F people are so bonkers for these deformed dolls with freakish baby heads? I mean, if I came out looking like one of these things, my dad would have called up uncle Abraham to take care of me. Hard pass.

I’m bored with Hot Topic, let’s move to my personal favorite store: Victoria’s Secret
Item # 1
Extra Lacy Panties with 150% more lace when you buy seven pairs
Let’s be honest. Mary Magdalene is not going to look like those models on the store wall when she puts on this neon pink  monstrosity they call underwear. Nonetheless, I can’t help myself. I fall for the same trick every year. Either I buy her the damn underwear or I have so much pent up “energy” that I have another Erotic asphyxiation accident.
Item # 2
Push Down Bras Buy one, get 20,000 for free
Many have criticized Victoria’s Secret for their bold new item, the “Push Down Bra.” Thinking they should zig when others zag, they may have made the wrong move here. They are obviously overstocked with these terrible breast squishing contraptions. I wouldn’t bother buying them now. They will likely be handed out for free to villagers in Kenya a year from now in a tax write off scam. So I would just wait a year, buy a plane ticket, and put on some black face (tastefully mind you) and sure enough you’ll get yourself a handful of free push down bras!
Last but not least we have Best Buy
Item # 1
Sony 44” Curved 4k 4D TV – Buy one TV at 700% mark up and get the second TV for 15% off (after 17 rebates) and a free 40oz of Olde English
You thought Avatar and 3D was cool, well this hotly anticipated new TV uses “4D” technology. Hitherto, we’ve only see theme parks and tourist traps claim to have mastered the power of “4D” technology; and alas, nobody has any idea what “4D” actually means. Well, I do, but I’m the son of God. I’ll tell you, but only if you declare me as your lord and savior and let me feast upon your soul. For the rest of you heathens, you’ll just have to fork over the cash to find out for yourselves. It pays to Chosen.
Item # 2 Ambiguous Wire that may transform into a Japanese Monster – Buy one and receive ancient incantation scroll for free!
It’s that wire you always see in the back of the store that you’re not really sure about. You pretend to know what it is when your girlfriend is around, but when you go to bed at night, you hug your pillow and cry, because you absolutely have no idea what the F that damn wire is used for. Well, cry no longer my children, I will reveal the truth unto thee. That wire is actually a terrifying science fiction experiment gone wrong. A lonely wire designer, imbued a wire with mystical powers. He was hoping that the wire would see his wire building skills and fall in love with him, but he was sorely mistaken. The wire ripped out his heart and used his blood to dye its outer rubber coating a deep and beautiful crimson hue.  The wire then seduced the Best Buy CEO and before you knew it, that damn wire was in every store in America. Do you want to know that wire’s real name? Satan!
So I think you can guess what my recommendation will be for this one: DON’T BUY IT! IT IS THE DEVIL! That being said, it does make a great Ethernet cable and your internet will be like 1.5 times faster. So, I mean, the choice is yours: eternal damnation, or slightly faster internet.

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Buck's Prom Night

Buck’s Journal
Prom Night 6:23 pm May 25th, 1983
I am so stoked to show all those posers at the prom my new cool dance moves. I learned them from Larry that lives under the bridge. He used to be a big time dancer in New York City, before the police forced to move back to Boise.
Larry is such a pure teacher, that he doesn’t even want payment for his classes. All he wants me to do is massage his pet lizard. But I have to keep my eyes closed or the lizard will get scared and bite me.
Some people say that Larry is racist, but that’s impossible! He’s German and I’ve never met a racist German person in my life!
I can’t wait to show Suzy my awesome blue suede suit! She is still doesn’t know that we are going to dance together. It is going to be such a big surprise!
I told Larry that Suzy didn’t want to go to the dance with me so he told me that the best way to a woman’s heart is through dance!
So when she seems me bust out my dance moves at prom, she is going to throw that stupid asshole Biff aside and boogie down with me!
Maybe after the prom we can go to Make-Out Creek and drink a Slush Puppy together. Tee Hee Hee!

11:23 pm May 25th, 1983
When I started dancing, everybody was shocked. They thought I was the school nerd… well think again! As I flung my thick rimmed glasses into the crowd and did a split, their jaws dropped. Before I knew it, they were holding me up like the dancing champion I was destined to be!
Suzy approached me and asked me to dance.
I refused her and instead asked the Math teacher Mr. Henderson to slow dance with me. Classic hard to get move that Larry taught me. Suzy was flabbergasted.
After Mr. Henderson and I spent 20 minutes grinding our genitals together through our thin dress pants, Suzy could take it no longer. She pulled me aside and tried to kiss me.
I slapped her and spit in her face.
“How dare you!” I screamed and ran away with Mr. Henderson.
I was playing her like a fiddle.

4:23 am May 26th, 1983
After I spent the night making passionate love to Mr. Henderson, I called Suzy from the pay phone outside our motel room. When Suzy answered, confused and half asleep, I refused to say anything at first. I just breathed heavily into the phone. Right before she hung up, I said something to get her all worked up and hot before she went back to sleep:
“I’m watching you Suzy… and I have a big knife…”
She sure would have naughty dreams about me tonight!

10:23 am May 26th, 1983
After dreaming about me and my “big knife” I figured out a great way for Suzy to wake up: I would roll out from under her bed with a machete.
This seemed like a foolproof way to get some smooches from Suzy, but wouldn’t you know it, when she woke up and saw me with the knife, she accidentally grabbed the knife from my hand and stabbed me repeatedly in the face.
Here I am in ER and they are saying that I’ll probably never be able to walk again.
They were surprised when I laughed and gave them a high five.
“All part of my master plan!” I screamed.
They seemed confused… until Suzy showed up.
She gave me a big hug and a kiss and said that she would do anything to make it up to me.
“Anything?” I said as I winked at the doctor. I think he sees my long con now.
“How about we go to Make-Out Creek… and drink some Slush Puppies together!”
Everybody laughed. Well except for me. I’ve lost the ability to express emotion in my face.

May 27th 2050
“And that’s how I turned into Stephen Hawking…”
Is what I said to my only son.
Who is that son you ask?
None other than M. Night.
“Pow! You just got twisted.”
Is what I said to my real son…
Real son?! Who is my real son?
A bag of twizzlers.
Pow! Extra quadruple twisted! 

Monday, November 2, 2015

Buck Stone = World's Best Poet. Deal with it.

Buck Stone The Poet:

I'm a poetic guy by nature. When people read my shit, they say:

"Dammit! He's a far superior writer and much deeper thinker than I am! I should have never doubted him. I will now proceed to commit suicide. Let the world know that Buck Stone is the greatest writer ever to have lived."

My response is: "I told ya so!"

If you don't believe it, take a gander at some of my perfect high school poetry. At an early age everybody knew I was destined for greatness:

The Winds - By Buck Stone

The thistles whistle in the wind blown tundra 
of the pubic hair of the queen. 
Is she a villain or is she a saint? 
We shall never know.
Or shall we?

I wrote that back in 1915. You know what I named the Queen? Hillary Clinton. For all of you that don't think I have foresight... I have one word for you: Checkmate.

Here's another doozy for you:

Ordering a Taco - By Buck Stone
Are their lines – nay tubes growing from the sides of my nose?
The train spurs onward towards a destiny of failed hope, of resigned defeat. 
"Become the hero!" they say. 
"I refuse to follow any predestined path"
I shout as I am shuttled down the railways of fate.
"Giveth me the goddamn guacamole and be done with it!"

Step aside Billy Shakespeare! 

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Eat the rich, they are delicious!

I have a modest proposal to find a life without pains and nightmares!

So I invaded Wall Street with a pitch fork and my double barrel shotgun!

What a lovely delight it tis to dine upon the flesh of Billionaires! 

Their rib cages smoked in a creamy BBQ sauce and their brains friend into wonton! 

Their liver mashed into pate, their bones ground and rolled into a tortilla!

Best of all are the pizza pies, topped with ears, noses and the leader of North Korea!

Come my friends, join me one and all! Join me at my new Pizzeria,

We’ll eat the rich until they are nothing more than our explosive diarrhea!

When the rich are gone, the street will echo with joy and children’s laughter,

No more famine, no more war, the world will live happily ever after!