Hipster Vampire Jesus Approved Black Friday Deals!
A Guide to Black Friday Deals from the Miserly Messiah!
One of the things people always forget about me is that I’m an extreme cheapskate. I mean, I’m the kinda guy that would rather turn water into wine before I gave the local vintner a single shekel. So if you’re looking to get your beloved a diamond ring on a Jack In The Box salary, then look no further than your lord and savior!
Another thing that people forget about me is that I was the original vampire. I was buried alive and came back to life. Now I want everyone to drink my blood on Sundays. As the coolest skateboarding vampire this side of the Mississippi, I know all about the latest trends. So when you’re looking to be the hippest kid on the block, look no further than Count Bethlehem!
People always ask me: “Yo J Spot, where do you go on Black Friday?”
I respond “I go wherever the Holy Spirit takes me… which is usually Hot Topic…”
HOT TOPIC
Item #1
Goth Makeup 70% off
Goth Makeup is super cool… in the 1980s! Get with the times losers! Emo is in! Still the Jew in me has to admit this is a pretty solid deal. I mean 70% off makeup that makes you look like you’re half dead, I wish me and my buddy Steve had that kind of deal when we were working on Schindler’s List.
Item # 2
Star Wars Pop! Funko Head 2% off when you buy 1,000
For the love of Dad, can somebody please tell me why the F people are so bonkers for these deformed dolls with freakish baby heads? I mean, if I came out looking like one of these things, my dad would have called up uncle Abraham to take care of me. Hard pass.
I’m bored with Hot Topic, let’s move to my personal favorite store: Victoria’s Secret
Item # 1
Extra Lacy Panties with 150% more lace when you buy seven pairs
Let’s be honest. Mary Magdalene is not going to look like those models on the store wall when she puts on this neon pink monstrosity they call underwear. Nonetheless, I can’t help myself. I fall for the same trick every year. Either I buy her the damn underwear or I have so much pent up “energy” that I have another Erotic asphyxiation accident.
Item # 2
Push Down Bras Buy one, get 20,000 for free
Many have criticized Victoria’s Secret for their bold new item, the “Push Down Bra.” Thinking they should zig when others zag, they may have made the wrong move here. They are obviously overstocked with these terrible breast squishing contraptions. I wouldn’t bother buying them now. They will likely be handed out for free to villagers in Kenya a year from now in a tax write off scam. So I would just wait a year, buy a plane ticket, and put on some black face (tastefully mind you) and sure enough you’ll get yourself a handful of free push down bras!
Last but not least we have Best Buy
Item # 1
Sony 44” Curved 4k 4D TV – Buy one TV at 700% mark up and get the second TV for 15% off (after 17 rebates) and a free 40oz of Olde English
You thought Avatar and 3D was cool, well this hotly anticipated new TV uses “4D” technology. Hitherto, we’ve only see theme parks and tourist traps claim to have mastered the power of “4D” technology; and alas, nobody has any idea what “4D” actually means. Well, I do, but I’m the son of God. I’ll tell you, but only if you declare me as your lord and savior and let me feast upon your soul. For the rest of you heathens, you’ll just have to fork over the cash to find out for yourselves. It pays to Chosen.
Item # 2 Ambiguous Wire that may transform into a Japanese Monster – Buy one and receive ancient incantation scroll for free!
It’s that wire you always see in the back of the store that you’re not really sure about. You pretend to know what it is when your girlfriend is around, but when you go to bed at night, you hug your pillow and cry, because you absolutely have no idea what the F that damn wire is used for. Well, cry no longer my children, I will reveal the truth unto thee. That wire is actually a terrifying science fiction experiment gone wrong. A lonely wire designer, imbued a wire with mystical powers. He was hoping that the wire would see his wire building skills and fall in love with him, but he was sorely mistaken. The wire ripped out his heart and used his blood to dye its outer rubber coating a deep and beautiful crimson hue. The wire then seduced the Best Buy CEO and before you knew it, that damn wire was in every store in America. Do you want to know that wire’s real name? Satan!
So I think you can guess what my recommendation will be for this one: DON’T BUY IT! IT IS THE DEVIL! That being said, it does make a great Ethernet cable and your internet will be like 1.5 times faster. So, I mean, the choice is yours: eternal damnation, or slightly faster internet.
