Captain's Log 2054 - Day 755

Captain's Log 2054 - Day 755
As I float along in this spaceship it occurs to me how delicious my crew suddenly appears. Their legs suddenly appear to be cartoon turkey legs and their arms cartoon chicken wings. Their entire body is a giant cartoon chicken.

Captain's Log 2054 - Day 756
I ate one of my crew today. He was an asshole and nobody like him, so it was fine. I think I may have given myself some strange space disease, but it was worth it. He was delicious. 

Captain's Log 2054 - Day 757
I suddenly feel the urge to pledge my allegiance to the reptilian space lord Othlulu. 

Dragon Claims Donald Trump is a Zombie

While taking out the trash last night, I saw a magical dragon sitting next to my fence.

 ME: “Hello Dragon, what’s up?” I spake thusly.

DRAGON: “You’re all going to die. You know that, right?” He responeth.

I rolled my eyes.

ME: “What is it this time?” I sighed loudly.

DRAGON: “This Donald Trump guy is going to eat your brains from breakfast!”

ME: “Oh you would say that, wouldn’t you?!” I sneered.

DRAGON: “Don’t you get it?! He’s a zombie in disguise! If you record his bizarre speaking intonation and play it backwards all you hear is ‘BRAINS! I WANT YOUR BRAINS!’ and if you notice, he has to wear a toupee because all the hair on his head has rotted away… just like a zombie!”

ME: “Look Dragon, it’s no secret that you are in the pocket of Big Pharma and you just want to spread slanderous lies about Mr. Trump just because he believes in Universal Health Care and free prescription drugs for all!”

The dragon hissed in frustration and flew away. I think we know who won that debate: AMERICA.

Kim Jung Un Wins North Korean Oscar for Best Screenplay "The Super Glorious Interview"

THE SUPER GLORIOUS INTERVIEW

               A Screenplay commissioned by the most magnificent and supreme
               leader Kim Jung Un

               Written by Buck Stone

               EXT. NORTH KOREA - DAWN

               It was time for morning and so the supreme leader Kim Jung Un
               whistles to the Sun.

                                   KIM JUNG UN
                         Sun, it is time for you to come
                         out!

                                   SUN
                         Yes, of course!  Thank you for
                         waking me from my slumber! You are
                         a great leader and nobody should
                         ever challenge you!

               The sun rises over the horizon and floods the many fields of
               plentiful crops with light.

                                   KIM JUNG UN
                         Birds, it is time for you to sing!

                                   BIRDS
                         Yes!  You are right Supreme Leader!
                         Without you we would just be lazy
                         stupid birds!

               The birds begin singing merrily.

               The great and powerful nation of North Korean begins to wake.
               The first to wake is the dutiful little 6 year old girl Sook
               Joo.

               The beautiful little Sook-Joo walks out of her beautiful
               house and walks to her JuJube tree and picks some fruit.

                                   SOOK-JOO
                         This land is so beautiful and I
                         always have more than enough to
                         eat!  I live in paradise! Thank you
                         supreme leader!

                                   KIM JUNG UN
                         You are welcome my child.
                                                                      


                                   SOOK-JOO
                         I can't wait until I become your
                         wife!

               Her parents nodded vigorously in agreement.  They could think
               of no greater honor.

                                   KIM JUNG UN
                         I cannot wait any longer either
                         child! Let our wedding be today!

               His voice echoed throughout all the lands. The entire nation
               cheered as they heard the great news!

                                   ENTIRE NATION
                         Hooray for our leader! We are so
                         blessed!

               Just then a terrifying shadow crossed the land and blotted
               out the sun.  A loud bone-cracking sound drowned out the
               avian symphony.
               It was a giant evil American helicopter machine.  The evil
               helicopter landed right in front of Sook-Joo.  Out jumped two
               evil Americans: JAMES FRANCO and SETH ROGEN.

                                   JAMES FRANCO
                         Muhahaha! I will steal this young
                         bride and brain wash her with evil
                         American values!

                                   SETH ROGEN
                         Sook-Joo, get ready to turn into
                         Sook-Jew!

               Seth Rogan stuffed a giant wad of filthy American capitalist
               pig money into Sook-Joo's hand.

                                   ENTIRE NATION
                         No!!!

               The two evil Americans grabbed the innocent Sook-Joo, jumped
               on their evil helicopter machine and flew away.

               The supremely good and perfect leader chased after them.

               But those slimy American scum were clever.  As they flew
               away, they catapulted UN Nuclear Disarmament officials onto
               the leader's compound.

               The UN officials began disarming the leader's collection of
               Nuclear Peace Missiles.
                                                                         


               The leader had a decision to make.  Either he could save Sook
               Joo or he could save his Nuclear Peace Missiles.

               He knew what was the right thing to do and what his nation
               wanted him to do: save the missiles.

               This just shows how selfless and loving the supreme leader
               is.  He was willing to sacrifice his beloved wife for the
               supreme safety of his nation!

               So the fabulous leader jumped at the UN officials and did a
               super powerful roundhouse kick!  The roundhouse was so
               powerful that the UN officials turned into dust!

               The Nuclear Peace Missiles were safe, but Sook-Joo was gone.

               The supreme leader ran as fast as he could and jumped over
               the Pacific Ocean.



               EXT. PACIFIC OCEAN

               While we was jumping over the ocean, he dunked 1,000
               basketballs.  This broke Michael Jordan's dunking record. The
               supreme leader is now unanimously known to be the best
               basketball player of all time!



               EXT. LOS ANGELES

               The supreme leader landed in Los Angeles.

               He used his laser vision to find a clue: Sook-Joo's
               footprints led into an evil skyscraper.

               The supreme leader stormed inside the giant evil building.
               He was attacked by 1,000 guards with machine guns.  The
               supreme leader punched their bullets. The bullets bounced off
               his iron fist and shot back at the guards.

               Within seconds, 999 guards were dead.  The supreme leader
               left one alive for questioning.

                                   KIM JUNG UN
                         Where is Sook-Jun?!

                                   GUARD
                         Please don't kill me!

                                   KIM JUNG UN
                         The supreme leader shows mercy to
                         those that help him.
                                                                      


                                   GUARD
                         She is upstairs on the top floor!

               The supreme leader snapped the guard's neck.  He does not
               show mercy to American pigs.

               The supreme leader did not take the elevator.  He took the
               stairs.  He always take the stars!  Because that's what
               leaders do!

               When he arrived at the 1,000th floor at the very top of the
               evil skyscraper, the supreme leader saw Sook-Joo sitting in a
               TV studio.  She was surrounded by the villains James Franco
               and Seth Rogen.

                                   JAMES FRANCO
                         Welcome to our evil TV studio!

                                   SETH ROGEN
                         All we want is an interview with
                         you.  If you don't do the
                         interview, we kill the girl!

                                   KIM JUNG UN
                         Okay.  I'll do the interview.

               Don't worry Fearless Reader!  The supreme leader never
               negotiates with terrorists.  He outsmarts them.

                                   SETH ROGEN
                         Wonderful! Let us begin!

               The TV cameras swiveled around and an evil man screamed
               "Action!"

                                   JAMES FRANCO
                         Welcome all of America, I have an
                         interview with leader Kim Jung Un.
                         Mr. Un, did you know that American
                         newspapers named you the sexiest
                         man in the world for the 5th
                         straight year?

                                   KIM JUNG UN
                         I pay no attention to your
                         capitalist  newspapers!

                                   JAMES FRANCO
                         How dare you? We need our
                         newspapers to brainwash the
                         proletariat and oppress the poor!

                                   KIM JUNG UN
                         Why don't you feed your people...
                                                                       


                                   JAMES FRANCO
                         Excuse me?

                                   KIM JUNG UN
                         Why don't you feed your people...
                         the truth!?

                                   JAMES FRANCO
                         What truth?

                                   KIM JUNG UN
                         The truth that without the supreme
                         leader you live in hell on earth.
                         Without the light of the supreme
                         leader you shall forever live in
                         the dark!

               Just then James Franco's head began to bulge.

                                   JAMES FRANCO
                         Oh my goodness!  What you are
                         saying is so true! My brain! My
                         puny capitalist brain! It cannot
                         handle the truth!

               James Franco's head explodes.

                                   SETH ROGEN
                         Oh no! This super glorious
                         interview is being broadcast live
                         all across America.  Every single
                         American is watching! They will not
                         be able to handle the great and
                         glorious wisdom of the supreme
                         leader either!

               EVERY SINGLE LAST AMERICAN'S HEAD EXPLODES FROM THE SUPREME
               KNOWLEDGE OF THE SUPREME LEADER!

                                   SETH ROGEN (CONT'D)
                         Oh no! Every single last American's
                         head has exploded!  Now it's time
                         for every single last Canadian! My
                         only regret is that I was born
                         Jewish!

               Seth Rogen's head explodes.

               Sook-Joo claps her hands joyously.

                                   KIM JUNG UN
                         Let's go home Sook-Joo
                                                                         


               Sook-Joo climbed on the supreme leader's back and he flew
               home.



               CUE: TRIUMPHANT MUSIC (MAYBE LIKE TAYLOR SWIFT'S SONG ABOUT
               HATERS IF WE CAN GET THE RIGHTS; THE SUPREME LEADER HATES
               KATY PERRY - BUT HE LOVES HER RIVAL TAYLOR SWIFT)



               EXT. NORTH KOREA

               The supreme leader returns home in time for his marriage.

               The entire nation cheered.

                                   ENTIRE NATION
                         Yaaaaay!

                                   KIM JUNG UN
                         Come Sook-Joo, let us get married!

                                   SOOK-JOO
                         I am very tired.  It is alright if
                         we get married tomorrow?

               The supreme leader snaps Sook-Joo's neck.

               Moral of the Story: Never challenge the supreme leader.

Dion Lewis to Rex Ryan "Say My Name" - Breaking Bad Style

NFL loves concussions

The NFL loves concussions. Did you know that the NFL recently bought concussions a 100 million dollar ring! Then it brought it to Cancun and had a romantic weekend. Did it do every position with concussions? All I know is that concussions are causing me to walk a little crooked... so yeah, I'll let you be the judge.